please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
