i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
