They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
