Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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