i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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