??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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