I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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