You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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