why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
