I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
