I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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