I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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