Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
