i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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