I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
