I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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