the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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