Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
its not stalking. its research.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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