Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
