Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
