I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
