3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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