Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Bring me that man meat
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
