man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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