Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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