I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize