He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
