The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
