I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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