I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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