You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
and she was petting her beer can
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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