The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
