Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
