There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
