those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
