i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
