wakey wakey hands off snakey
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have post one night stand depression
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
