That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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