When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
