wrigley field is MILF paradise
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
