Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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