got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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