C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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