The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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