Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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