Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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