I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
