The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
