I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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