girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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