We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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