I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
