did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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