she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
