Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize