The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
