when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
