So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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