Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
