I puked a lego.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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