Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
