I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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